Stan by Eminem meets Rob (CmdrTaco). Very funny. Very scary.
Slashdot’s gone cold I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be gray but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it’s not so bad — it’s not so bad
Dear Rob, I wrote but you still ain’t callin
I left my email, my ICQ, and my yahoo chat at the bottom
I sent two emails back in autumn, you must not-a got ‘em
There probably was a problem with your sendmail or somethin
Sometimes I scribble email addees too sloppy when I jot ’em
but anyways; fsck it, what’s been up? Man how’s your boxes?
My boxes is linux too, I’m bout to be a compiler
once I learn gcc,
I’ma go on and compile for hours
I read about your Palm Pilot too I’m sorry
I had a friend lose his Palm over at the airport in Maradonna
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I’m your biggest fan
I even read all your bullshit Linux news and Microsoft’s man
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the way you sold your ass out too, that shit was fat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan
Dear Rob, you still ain’t called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain’t mad – I just think it’s FSCKED UP you don’t answer fans
If you didn’t wanna talk to me outside your Linux World
you didn’t have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That’s my Senior sys admin he’s only 26 years old
We waited on a 9600 baud for you,
four hours and you just said, “No.”
That’s pretty shitty man – you’re like his fsckin idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain’t that mad though, I just don’t like bein lied to
Remember when we met in Boston – you said if I’d write you
you would write back – see I’m just like you in a way
I never had a clue about shit either
I gcc’d shit with my wife then beat her
I can relate to what you’re saying in your page
so when I feel like rmusering I read Slashdot to begin the rage
cause I don’t really got shit else so that shit helps when I’m depressed
I even got a tattoo of slashdot across the chest
Sometimes I even packet myself to see how much it floods
It’s like adrenaline, the DDoS is such a sudden rush of blood
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend’s jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don’t know you like I know you Rob, no one does
She don’t know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I’ll be the biggest fan you’ll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan — P.S.
We should be together too
Dear Mister-I’m-Too-Good-To-Waste-A-Packet-On-My-Fans,
this’ll be the last packet I ever send your ass
It’s been six months and still no word – I don’t deserve it?
I know you got my last two emails
I wrote the @ signs on ‘em perfect
So this is my payload I’m sending you, I hope you hear it
I’m on my modem now, I’m doing 9600 baud so fear it
Hey Rob, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to code?
You know the song by Deep Purple or Slayer
its irrelevant by playing on my linux player
while I write some php scripts and play some Dragonslayer
That’s kinda how shit is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it’s too late – I’m on a 1000 downloads now, I’m drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Rob, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can’t sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can’t BREATHE without me
See Rob {*screaming*} Shut up bitch! I’m tryin to code
Hey Rob, that’s my senior admin screamin from the comode
but I didn’t cut the power off, I just rebooted, see I ain’t like you
cause if rm -rf’d we’d suffer more, and then the boxes die too
Well, gotta go, I’m almost BGP bridged now
Oh shit, I forgot, how’m I supposed to send this packet out?
Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your box is running now, how’d you like your gcc?
Look, I’m really flattered you would install 7.0 Redhat
and here’s an autograph for your senior sys admin
I wrote it on the Starter cap
I’m sorry I didn’t see you at the show, I musta missed you
Don’t think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But what’s this shit you said about you like to DDoS lamers too?
I say that shit just clownin dog,
c’mon – how fucked up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling
so heres some more Linux stories to keep your ass busy when you get down some
And what’s this shit about us meant to be together?
I sold Slashdot for thousands so now I’m a single jetsetter
I really think you and your boxes need each other
or maybe you just need to treat them better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you’ll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I’m glad I inspire you but Stan why are you so mad?
Try to understand, that Linux and MS is just grand
I just don’t want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and switched his router for a bridge
and his packets were blackholed, and his DNS couldn’t get digged
and in the colo they found a tape, but they didn’t say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!